Children of Hope

At the end of 2016, Dr Joyce Hill put out a call for parents  to submit their child’s adoption story for her latest book.  Dr Hill was the doctor who helped with Matthew’s medical care while he lived at Maria’s Big House of Hope.  Unfortunately she suffered a brain hemorrhage several ago and lost a lot of her memory.  She hoped by putting the book together that it would help bring back more memories of the children she served through New Hope and Show Hope.  

I remember talking to my dad in the months before he passed away.  My dad had  written several books and I was excited to share this project that I had decided to contribute to.  He encouraged me to go ahead and do this.  I wrote my chapter about Matthew and had a very sweet time messaging back and forth with Dr Hill.  I had kind of forgotten about this book in the craziness of this past year.  What a sweet surprise to see the announcement that the book was in print. 

I quickly downloaded the kindle version and just this past week we received our own signed copy.  

1 Second Every Day

Last year I downloaded an app that took 1 second clips from your pictures and videos on your phone to make a video.  I would love to tell you I was good about recording something every day, but you all know me better than that.  This video spans from September 2017 to September 2018 and there are a lot of clips from Grace’s month in the hospital.  

https://youtu.be/TkPU6gBQgH8

Grace’s “Fall” Fun

The past fall was pretty eventful for Grace.  We had been planning a big urology surgery for a year.  We made the decision last year to keep Grace in preschool another year because we were told she would probably miss a couple of weeks of school.  Ha! Those couple of weeks turned into almost 2 months.

 Last October, Grace came to me to say that her knee hurt.  I pass out tons of bandaids, so I didn’t think much of it.  I plopped her on the kitchen counter and finished making my breakfast.  I expected to see a scratch but when I pulled up her pant leg and couldn’t believe her giant knee cap.  Grace was still walking around so I figured it must be some type of swollen joint.  Shelby was waiting for us to pick her up at the airport, so we swung by there on our way to the urgent care.  However, thry immediately sent us packing to the ER.  

The doctors in the ER originally thought the same thing I did, because even her knee was gigantic she wasn’t really complaining of much pain at all.  The ER doctors consulted with the surgeon that usually sees Grace at the Spina Bifida clinic and he told them what they were actually seeing on the X-ray was indeed a broken knee cap that was being masked by  Grace’s limited feeling in her upper legs.  They told us she would need a full leg cast, I thought they were joking because at the same time I was having to yell at Grace to stop climbing up and down on the gurney.  I remember being a kid and wanting a cast, unfortunately my daughter did not share in this crazy notion -she was heart broken.  With tears streaming down her face, they put on her purple leg cast.  Thankfully, her big sister bedazzled the cast for her and that really cheered her up.  

Since Grace broke the knee on her better leg, she really wasn’t good at getting around.  We had several appointments that week to get ready for her upcoming surgery and a week of a bowel cleanout anyway - so we decided to keep her home.  Grace “just happened” to have an appointment with one of her orthopedic surgeons for her scoliosis two days after the cast was put on.  We weren’t even through the door, when the surgeon said we needed to talk.  He wanted to X-ray her knee again, so they sawed off the cast.  The results were suggesting she had also torn one of her knee tendons.  If this was the case, she was also going to need surgery on her knee if the tear was bad enough.  This began a flurry to get her scheduled for a MRI and they sent her home in a knee mobilizer.  

So amongst the bowel cleanout, trick or treat, pre-surgery testing, we also fit in a late afternoon MRI.  I will have to say Grace was really a rock star.  She didn’t complain once that she couldn’t eat the day of her MRI.  The MRI did show a tear, but thankfully everything was still aligned in her knee cap and nothing was loose floating around.  Her surgeon felt her knee would mend well on its own, but she would have to get the leg cast back on.  It was decided that the orthopedic team would be paged after her bladder surgery to come and put on the leg cast.

I had been really worried about how Grace was going to do at her upcoming surgery.  Having to be at the hospital most of the week before the surgery, really put her at ease for the actual surgery day.  She was so brave and even went back to the surgery room with one of the nurses.  After several hours, Jeff and I were allowed to go see her in recovery.  It was the saddest thing to see her with the tube coming out of her nose and the tubes coming out of her  abdomen.  Then she had to get that cast on, now my heart was completely broken to have her go through all of this.  

My Dad

The following is an account of my dad's passing away and life since then...in my typical writing fashion it's a little jumbled.

My Dad's last birthday in March of 2017

April 2017 - We decided kind of last minute to visit my parents in Fremont for Easter last year. The kids had a long weekend coming up and Grace and Matthew had been begging to go camping.  I had tried to set up something for the Pittsburgh area,  but I just couldn't find a good place for us to go camping around there.  My parents really had started the push to get their house in order to get it on the market so I thought why don't we just go to Fremont and start helping them.  I had my dad arrange for getting some mulch so the guys could help him spread that.  Shelby and I decided to get my mom's sewing room organized and put into totes.  Since I didn't want to disappoint Grace and Matthew, we decided we would camp out at my parents in our camper. 

Once we got there, all had a really busy day Saturday and only stopped to eat. I noticed my dad wasn't feeling well, but he thought he might be getting the flu.  I asked him that night if he had gone to the doctor yet for his shortness of breath while we were in Florida.  He had a really weird look on his face and said he had not.  He told me his annual wellness check was very soon though.  I didn't think much of it and got the kids herded out the camper to go to bed.  My dad gave me his house key in case we needed to come inside during the middle of the night.

I got myself ready for bed and debated did I really need to go the bathroom one more time?  I went in reluctantly but was glad I did.  I then debated if I should go back in to give my parents a kiss good night. Again I was reluctant because I didn't want to risk getting my dad's sickness and I am a germaphobe at heart.  However when I peeked into my dad's office, he was happily typing away at this computer.  He said he felt much better and he looked better, too.  I gave them a kiss good night, told them I loved them and made my way back to the camper.

Very early on Easter morning, we woke to someone knocking on the camper.  All I could think of what that it must be the guy from Craig's List who my dad had given some items to the previous day. He had to be there to rob us.    Jeff got up and checked and said it was my mom knocking.  Never in a million years would I thought it would have been her. She said my dad wasn't breathing.  I raced into the house to my find my dad slumped in a chair in the bedroom.  My hands are shaking as I type this, because even now it doesn't seem real.

My mind was a mess.  I couldn't find a pulse.  I briefly debated to go get my fitbit to see if it could register his heart beat.  I quickly came to my senses and started CPR.  It took me a few compressions and I figured out I couldn't do CPR in a chair let alone one that rocked.  I was alone at this point and dragged his body to the ground by myself and restarted compressions,  It was the longest 7 minutes of my life until the squad finally found the house.  I begged God to spare his life and pleaded with him for a miracle.

The squad tried their best, but my dad never came to.  My future without my dad flashed before my eyes - I was scared, crushed, mad and in disbelief.

It's so hard making sense of all of this.  It's been hard to see God as still a good God. He is though.  The last year has been H.A.R.D. it ways I could have never imagined and in ways I cannot share.  His tender mercies have been written all over my story though.

You see from the beginning of 2017, God laid heavily on my heart to be there more for my parents.  Our life had been so crazy the past few years when we had brought Grace and Matt into our family.  I was very guilty of not connecting with my parents as much as I used to.  So I started to call on a more frequent basis.  My mom's health wasn't good at the time, so often this left me talking to my dad.  I talked to my dad more in those last months than I had in years. It was during those talks he convinced me to come see them in Florida and I talked him into letting me accompany them to Cleveland Clinic for my mom's appointments.The fact that we were in Fremont for Easter is even pretty much a miracle.  We never go to Fremont and I haven't spent a holiday there in probably 7 years.  And why were there no good camping spots on Easter weekend near Pittsburgh?  Why did I get to go back in and kiss my dad goodnight?

Our family has been amazing to us - Aunts, Uncles, cousins, neighbors, in laws, friends... They have helped us pack up the Fremont house, checked on my mom, provided meals, called, texted - the list is too long to write.  My dad was the family talker and I have now got the honor of filling in for him to connect with relatives I hadn't usually talked to on the phone.  We are still in the process of getting my parents house sold, but we have come a long way.  My parents and I had talked about them moving to Richfield for the past 9 years, I just never thought it would be like this.

My dad was my mom's everything.  My heart breaks for my mom that has to have a new start to just about every part of her life all at the same time as losing the love of her life.  She has been stronger than I ever thought she could be, and we joke everyday that yes she still is breathing each day when I call.  I know some days it has to be hard to even breath.  Thankfully she is living right next door to me now.

I have taken on the paperwork that follows when someone passes and the day to day business my dad took care of.  Initially it seemed insurmountable, but at this point we have gotten their entire house packed up, his affairs in order, planned a funeral, bought a headstone and sold a boat and an RV.   This is the easy stuff, it's so hard to not have him here with us.

My dad's death was paticularly hard on Grace.  Grace has always been scared of men but for whatever reason, she liked my dad (papa to her) from the get go.  I remember Papa having long talks with Grace on the phone when she had only a few english words in her vocabulary. I would leave Grace on the phone with him and I swear she would be talking to him 20 minutes later. It was Papa's lap she  chose to sit on for her first birthday at home with us.  Even though she didn't understand my dad's passing, she wailed when the his funeral came to an end.  It broke all of our hearts to hear her cry like that.  As someone who has lost everything in her life, she certainly understand loss at its fullest.  She still mentions my dad almost every day - does Papa have wings? Can Papa see us?  Does Papa know I don't have my knee immbolizer any more?
Grace talking to Papa from Kelly on 

Thank you for reading this to the end and excusing all my rambling.  It makes sense in my head, but I know once it hits the keyboard, my words seem to jump all over the place.  I am not looking forward to the next weeks when we will have his birthday, Easter and my parents wedding anniversary.  I have told my mom to fasten her seatbelt because it’s going to be hard.  I am however confident that the God that continue to make beauty from all of these ashes and He will continue to walk every step with us.

 

March 2017

I have tried many times to start blogging again.  What a year it has been, so much to say and so much of it is hard to type.

Last March, Shelby and I headed to Disney World to see my mom and dad.  We were on the fence about going because it's hard on Grace if I leave.  The dates seemed to just line up and I had child care coverage on all the days so we went ahead.  I am so glad we did, because it ended up being the last trip I ever took with my dad.

We had so many awesome memories from our trip...  My dad came to the airport to pick us up.  We hadn't seen him since Christmas and when he spotted us at the baggage claim he was crying.  He was so happy to see us. I thought it was sweet at the time, but didn't think much of it. It makes me wonder what God had placed on his heart...

  We had a really funny ride to the Disney campground from the airport because my dad had accidentally put in the address of the Fort Wilderness campground in Kentucky.  It took us about an hour of being stuck in traffic before we figured out we were going in the wrong direction and still had over 700 miles to go according to the navigational system.

Shelby is an awesome Disney guide and she had planned our days full, most days we walked over 20,000 steps.  My mom stayed back a lot since she wasn't feeling well, but my dad was a trooper and kept up with us even though he was still battling what we thought was a cold.  We rode roller coasters and twirly rides while reminiscing about all of our other Disney trips.  The three of us even had lunch at Be Our Guest, something that we had been waiting a long time to do.  My dad was awesome and whenever we mentioned we should try something at the Epcot Flower and Garden festival, he immediately said let's try it.  It was later that night when we were at Epcot with  my mom that I got the first glimpse that maybe he wasn't feeling good.  My Dad rarely asks for help, but I noticed he was struggling pushing my mom's wheelchair.  My parents traded places and I questioned my dad about it.  We thought he might be having a bit of asthma and he promised to get it looked at when he got home. I didn't think about it a lot because he had kept up with us so well the previous days.

Shelby and I had a great four days with my parents at Disney.  We were sad to leave when we said good by at the airport, but we made plans for them to come see us around my dad's birthday.