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| My Dad's last birthday in March of 2017 |
April 2017 - We decided kind of last minute to visit my parents in Fremont for Easter last year. The kids had a long weekend coming up and Grace and Matthew had been begging to go camping. I had tried to set up something for the Pittsburgh area, but I just couldn't find a good place for us to go camping around there. My parents really had started the push to get their house in order to get it on the market so I thought why don't we just go to Fremont and start helping them. I had my dad arrange for getting some mulch so the guys could help him spread that. Shelby and I decided to get my mom's sewing room organized and put into totes. Since I didn't want to disappoint Grace and Matthew, we decided we would camp out at my parents in our camper.
Once we got there, all had a really busy day Saturday and only stopped to eat. I noticed my dad wasn't feeling well, but he thought he might be getting the flu. I asked him that night if he had gone to the doctor yet for his shortness of breath while we were in Florida. He had a really weird look on his face and said he had not. He told me his annual wellness check was very soon though. I didn't think much of it and got the kids herded out the camper to go to bed. My dad gave me his house key in case we needed to come inside during the middle of the night.
I got myself ready for bed and debated did I really need to go the bathroom one more time? I went in reluctantly but was glad I did. I then debated if I should go back in to give my parents a kiss good night. Again I was reluctant because I didn't want to risk getting my dad's sickness and I am a germaphobe at heart. However when I peeked into my dad's office, he was happily typing away at this computer. He said he felt much better and he looked better, too. I gave them a kiss good night, told them I loved them and made my way back to the camper.
Very early on Easter morning, we woke to someone knocking on the camper. All I could think of what that it must be the guy from Craig's List who my dad had given some items to the previous day. He had to be there to rob us. Jeff got up and checked and said it was my mom knocking. Never in a million years would I thought it would have been her. She said my dad wasn't breathing. I raced into the house to my find my dad slumped in a chair in the bedroom. My hands are shaking as I type this, because even now it doesn't seem real.
My mind was a mess. I couldn't find a pulse. I briefly debated to go get my fitbit to see if it could register his heart beat. I quickly came to my senses and started CPR. It took me a few compressions and I figured out I couldn't do CPR in a chair let alone one that rocked. I was alone at this point and dragged his body to the ground by myself and restarted compressions, It was the longest 7 minutes of my life until the squad finally found the house. I begged God to spare his life and pleaded with him for a miracle.
The squad tried their best, but my dad never came to. My future without my dad flashed before my eyes - I was scared, crushed, mad and in disbelief.
It's so hard making sense of all of this. It's been hard to see God as still a good God. He is though. The last year has been H.A.R.D. it ways I could have never imagined and in ways I cannot share. His tender mercies have been written all over my story though.
You see from the beginning of 2017, God laid heavily on my heart to be there more for my parents. Our life had been so crazy the past few years when we had brought Grace and Matt into our family. I was very guilty of not connecting with my parents as much as I used to. So I started to call on a more frequent basis. My mom's health wasn't good at the time, so often this left me talking to my dad. I talked to my dad more in those last months than I had in years. It was during those talks he convinced me to come see them in Florida and I talked him into letting me accompany them to Cleveland Clinic for my mom's appointments.The fact that we were in Fremont for Easter is even pretty much a miracle. We never go to Fremont and I haven't spent a holiday there in probably 7 years. And why were there no good camping spots on Easter weekend near Pittsburgh? Why did I get to go back in and kiss my dad goodnight?
Our family has been amazing to us - Aunts, Uncles, cousins, neighbors, in laws, friends... They have helped us pack up the Fremont house, checked on my mom, provided meals, called, texted - the list is too long to write. My dad was the family talker and I have now got the honor of filling in for him to connect with relatives I hadn't usually talked to on the phone. We are still in the process of getting my parents house sold, but we have come a long way. My parents and I had talked about them moving to Richfield for the past 9 years, I just never thought it would be like this.
My dad was my mom's everything. My heart breaks for my mom that has to have a new start to just about every part of her life all at the same time as losing the love of her life. She has been stronger than I ever thought she could be, and we joke everyday that yes she still is breathing each day when I call. I know some days it has to be hard to even breath. Thankfully she is living right next door to me now.
I have taken on the paperwork that follows when someone passes and the day to day business my dad took care of. Initially it seemed insurmountable, but at this point we have gotten their entire house packed up, his affairs in order, planned a funeral, bought a headstone and sold a boat and an RV. This is the easy stuff, it's so hard to not have him here with us.
My dad's death was paticularly hard on Grace. Grace has always been scared of men but for whatever reason, she liked my dad (papa to her) from the get go. I remember Papa having long talks with Grace on the phone when she had only a few english words in her vocabulary. I would leave Grace on the phone with him and I swear she would be talking to him 20 minutes later. It was Papa's lap she chose to sit on for her first birthday at home with us. Even though she didn't understand my dad's passing, she wailed when the his funeral came to an end. It broke all of our hearts to hear her cry like that. As someone who has lost everything in her life, she certainly understand loss at its fullest. She still mentions my dad almost every day - does Papa have wings? Can Papa see us? Does Papa know I don't have my knee immbolizer any more?
Grace talking to Papa from Kelly on
I got myself ready for bed and debated did I really need to go the bathroom one more time? I went in reluctantly but was glad I did. I then debated if I should go back in to give my parents a kiss good night. Again I was reluctant because I didn't want to risk getting my dad's sickness and I am a germaphobe at heart. However when I peeked into my dad's office, he was happily typing away at this computer. He said he felt much better and he looked better, too. I gave them a kiss good night, told them I loved them and made my way back to the camper.
Very early on Easter morning, we woke to someone knocking on the camper. All I could think of what that it must be the guy from Craig's List who my dad had given some items to the previous day. He had to be there to rob us. Jeff got up and checked and said it was my mom knocking. Never in a million years would I thought it would have been her. She said my dad wasn't breathing. I raced into the house to my find my dad slumped in a chair in the bedroom. My hands are shaking as I type this, because even now it doesn't seem real.
My mind was a mess. I couldn't find a pulse. I briefly debated to go get my fitbit to see if it could register his heart beat. I quickly came to my senses and started CPR. It took me a few compressions and I figured out I couldn't do CPR in a chair let alone one that rocked. I was alone at this point and dragged his body to the ground by myself and restarted compressions, It was the longest 7 minutes of my life until the squad finally found the house. I begged God to spare his life and pleaded with him for a miracle.
The squad tried their best, but my dad never came to. My future without my dad flashed before my eyes - I was scared, crushed, mad and in disbelief.
It's so hard making sense of all of this. It's been hard to see God as still a good God. He is though. The last year has been H.A.R.D. it ways I could have never imagined and in ways I cannot share. His tender mercies have been written all over my story though.
You see from the beginning of 2017, God laid heavily on my heart to be there more for my parents. Our life had been so crazy the past few years when we had brought Grace and Matt into our family. I was very guilty of not connecting with my parents as much as I used to. So I started to call on a more frequent basis. My mom's health wasn't good at the time, so often this left me talking to my dad. I talked to my dad more in those last months than I had in years. It was during those talks he convinced me to come see them in Florida and I talked him into letting me accompany them to Cleveland Clinic for my mom's appointments.The fact that we were in Fremont for Easter is even pretty much a miracle. We never go to Fremont and I haven't spent a holiday there in probably 7 years. And why were there no good camping spots on Easter weekend near Pittsburgh? Why did I get to go back in and kiss my dad goodnight?
Our family has been amazing to us - Aunts, Uncles, cousins, neighbors, in laws, friends... They have helped us pack up the Fremont house, checked on my mom, provided meals, called, texted - the list is too long to write. My dad was the family talker and I have now got the honor of filling in for him to connect with relatives I hadn't usually talked to on the phone. We are still in the process of getting my parents house sold, but we have come a long way. My parents and I had talked about them moving to Richfield for the past 9 years, I just never thought it would be like this.
My dad was my mom's everything. My heart breaks for my mom that has to have a new start to just about every part of her life all at the same time as losing the love of her life. She has been stronger than I ever thought she could be, and we joke everyday that yes she still is breathing each day when I call. I know some days it has to be hard to even breath. Thankfully she is living right next door to me now.
I have taken on the paperwork that follows when someone passes and the day to day business my dad took care of. Initially it seemed insurmountable, but at this point we have gotten their entire house packed up, his affairs in order, planned a funeral, bought a headstone and sold a boat and an RV. This is the easy stuff, it's so hard to not have him here with us.
My dad's death was paticularly hard on Grace. Grace has always been scared of men but for whatever reason, she liked my dad (papa to her) from the get go. I remember Papa having long talks with Grace on the phone when she had only a few english words in her vocabulary. I would leave Grace on the phone with him and I swear she would be talking to him 20 minutes later. It was Papa's lap she chose to sit on for her first birthday at home with us. Even though she didn't understand my dad's passing, she wailed when the his funeral came to an end. It broke all of our hearts to hear her cry like that. As someone who has lost everything in her life, she certainly understand loss at its fullest. She still mentions my dad almost every day - does Papa have wings? Can Papa see us? Does Papa know I don't have my knee immbolizer any more?
Grace talking to Papa from Kelly on
Thank you for reading this to the end and excusing all my rambling. It makes sense in my head, but I know once it hits the keyboard, my words seem to jump all over the place. I am not looking forward to the next weeks when we will have his birthday, Easter and my parents wedding anniversary. I have told my mom to fasten her seatbelt because it’s going to be hard. I am however confident that the God that continue to make beauty from all of these ashes and He will continue to walk every step with us.
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