I had so much anxiety. I had new plans all the time that I thought would fill this vacant hole in my life that I could never get rid of. If I just.... I will become a wife and mom. Go to college. That should fix it! Nope. I will have a successful job - nope. I will be the best volunteer and help others and put in 110% - that should bring some fulfillment for sure. New hobbies, clothes, hair styles, vacations, self improvement, home renovations, exercise - I had all the things the world told me that would make me complete and whole - but I didn't feel that way.
Can you relate? Does there seem to be something missing? Are you trying to fill this hole in your life and it still feels empty?
Some things in my life changed over night and somethings were more gradual. Many things are still a work in process. I finally confessed to God how much I needed him and I began to see he had been knocking at the front door of my life all this time - and he cared for me and wanted me to know him. Slowly the words in the Bible became real and the stories were no longer about awful people, but flawed people that God still worked in their lives. My prayers started to move away from ones like please keep me safe on a airplane to telling him how i felt. I began to see he was in EVERY part of my life. How had I missed this?
The biggest things are now knowing his joy and peace. Oh how he loves us. Yes I still worry, but now it's so much easier saying God please take this and have your way. Yes there are still consequences, struggles and there is still pain -but something is so different. Because his way is best, no matter what. He cares. He doesn't give us what we surely deserve and if we ask he forgives us over and over again. He isn't some stern Father waiting for us to mess up. He wants what's best for us and it's not going to be like what the world says what is best for us. But what he has to give is amazing and beyond compare. Being in a relationship with God, doesn't me make now have it all together - it makes me loved and forgiven. It makes me know how much I need him.
Guess what - he wants a relationship with you right NOW. He isn't waiting for you to change or for your to get your act together. It isn't about you being a good person, it's about you being a loved person. And He wants to be a part of your life right here and now. Are you willing?
What a real post! I appreciate your honesty and openness. I have been working on a post of my own that resembles some aspects of this for a little while, but it is not ready yet.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how we were friends in college, but never knew much about each other's faith. (Heck, we were even engaged in college... or so our classmates, thought! Nooo... not THIS Jeff!) I am thankful for social media that has allowed us to share some of the commonalities of adoption and faith.
I sometimes think it is a little tricky to "grow up in church". It is, by far, better than growing up out of church... which is why I "make" my kids go with me. But, it seems a little hard to "make up your own mind".
Similar to your story, I grew up in church. I never really strayed from that. I have always gone to church and practiced Christianity. But, I'm finding that faith is refined by fire and trials. I believe my decision to follow Christ was genuine as a child, but I spent most of my younger years just sort of "doing" Christianity in a way that "looked good". It was very shallow, because I hadn't yet really needed God for much. But, as my life has fallen apart in many ways over the past several years, much of my faith was changed... and is still changing.
At first it sort of crumbled and I was forced to really decide for myself who God is and what I would do with him. I needed Him, but I was also hurt and angry. I decided that my circumstances didn't affect who He is and I chose to let my trails strengthen my faith. I still have a long way to go, and I'm not sure I "look" like as "good" of a Christian on the outside as I once may have, but I know that what is on the inside is more real than before... and that is more important!
Thank goodness for the bravery of your friend! What an impact they had on you by having the courage to risk offending you by speaking truth into your life!
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this post! I admire you and your family!